In My Head

852110236_13448670704630895532.jpgThe past three months have gone by pretty quickly and I love how it is already April. I did spend quite a lot of the time being in my head trying to figure things out. As much as I try to keep my sensitive and insecure moments to a minimum, sometimes I just cannot help myself.

But before I get to writing about those deeper moments – which are mostly in camp – I will start with the highlights from the weekends – when I am out of camp.

In February, I attended Jamie’s play, An Absolute Turkey and in March, Shaf’s play, The Illusionist. Now, I have told the both of them this – if our lives were a reality show, the ‘competition’ between the both of them over whose play is better would have been a driving force for drama the entire season. HAHA.

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Post-Show Happiness Pt. 1

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Post-Show Happiness Pt. 2

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Post-Show Happiness Pt. 3

But no, in all seriousness, it was fun supporting the both of them. I feel like they both stepped out of their comfort zones – in different ways – and it made me proud, sitting there in the audience, watching them and being there with a flower or candy bouquet after the show. I hope to see them in action again soon.

The All In! Young Writers’ Festival was held in March too. I only attended one screening of a few short films including, I Love You More, a short film that I was involved in producing as part of a group project for a filmmaking module over a year ago.

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Forgot to mention that they were both late.

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But it’s okay, I forgive ya’ll.

It was nice that this project brought me, Dalene and Minyi back together a year later. (The other group members, Rachel, Sherlyn and Chels couldn’t make it.) I held off from re-watching the short film leading up to the screening because I thought that seeing it again after a long time during the screening would make it more ‘special.’ After the screening, we had lunch where we gave each other life updates and rehashed certain things that happened back during our three years in Poly. We also did some window shopping so it was some simple fun.

Later in March, I also attended a secondary school reunion with Azfar, Rosydi and Gina. It was hosted at one of our schoolmate’s house. Although I really appreciated the invite, I was hesitant and reluctant to attend from the get go. Secondary school just does not bring back the best of memories for me – I did not really fit in and back then it was quite a struggle. So it was a last minute decision to attend.

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I think it has been close to two years since the four of us were last together?

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I hope not another two years go by before we’re together again. *Glares at Gina*

Rosydi and Azfar could totally see how nervous I was on the bus to the reunion. And honestly, I would not have attended the reunion if they were not attending with me. I think it was just the uncertainty as to who was going to be there and how they were going to act that made me nervous. I knew Gina would be there too and since she has not been the easiest person to meet up with, seeing her there – though she showed up two hours late – was an added bonus.

The three of them were able to interact with these people that we had not seen in forever pretty easily but for me, it was awkward. Of course there was the typical army talk with the guys but none of the girls I used to be close to were there. (I believe that the invitations did not reach everyone… Oops.)

I also feel like I have evolved from who I used to be back in secondary school and so these people who did not really know me on a deeper level back then – to begin with – did not have much to say to me and likewise I did not have much to say to most of them either. After all, I was quite the wallflower for a bulk of those four years.

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At least I won’t have to worry about FOMO now.

I cannot really say that I regret attending but at the same time, I cannot say I am glad I attended either.

And last night, I attended Fifth Harmony’s 7/27 Tour concert after buying the tickets way back in January. I was lucky that Khairul – a friend that I made during the two month Signals course after BMT – was willing to go with me.

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Gotta thank the concert buddy for groovin’ along.

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April may have only just started but this concert is most definitely a highlight. I found myself letting loose as I sang and danced my heart out. It was totally worth the wait and money and the girls were gorgeous! I felt really happy when Normani noticed and reciprocated my wave. If life was a reality show, attending this concert would have made for a perfect season finale.

In between all these key events, I think I have been doing an okay job at balancing my weekends with meet-ups and ‘me’ time. I think there was only one weekend where I contemplated between going out and staying home but I decided to go out anyway.

Life in camp has been generally alright. I tend to forget how lucky I am to have ended up in this camp and unit, in terms of workload and location. But finding my place and people, is still an issue.

A new batch of about 20 Signallers came in a month ago – a larger amount than expected. I took a genuine interest in getting to know most of them because we would have to decide who to keep with us after a two week ‘orientation’ programme – the rest would be posted out to different ‘departments’ within our unit. And since I would be working with whoever stays until next May when I leave, it was an important decision too.

We kept about a third of them. It was exciting having new people around. They were people who were easy to talk to and did work. But when you look at the big picture, the newbies did not exactly shake up the office dynamics like I had hoped.

For a start, I still feel like I lack a true confidante and ally in camp. You know, that one person that I can complain and vent to without worrying about what I said being repeated. And also the kind of person that I can make eye contact with and smile when something happens in the office because we both know that we are thinking the same thing.

I miss having that kind of connection with someone.

So I end up bottling things up in camp. Occasionally, I do let things slip because I can only hold so much in. But then I question if I should have said anything at all because I get asked if I have ‘anger issues’ or am told that I am ‘oversensitive.’

Do not get me wrong. I am still able to be myself in camp. I disturb and annoy almost everyone around me. And this is an indication that I have reached a certain level of comfort around these people. But there are different layers to every relationship and with these people, it is most definitely on the surface.

It doesn’t help that they do not really get me. I am a lot of things but these people know me best to be ‘annoying.’ I can own that but it does get exhausting when that seems to be the only word people associate you with – even if lightheartedly.

For now, there are only about two to three individuals in camp who I ‘trust.’ It being really easy to rub me the wrong way could be one reason for this low number. But I guess, there just is not that much in common to forge strong bonds over. And with everyone on their phones most of the time, there is barely any attempt at conversation to find common topics either.

Sure, they bond over playing the same mobile games. And so it would be a lot easier if I just downloaded this game and played along. But I told myself back in secondary school that I was not going to change just to fit in and I still want to keep that promise to myself. Call me stubborn or difficult but I am not going to do something that I would not normally do just to get by.

There are also other things that have happened or been said that got the wheels in my head turning. But at the end of the day, I know I can’t let what people think, say or do affect my spirit. It is just hard to remember at times especially when there is no one in your environment to remind you of that.

So I am going to try to care less and not add up the nothings into something. I know it is not going to be easy and I will probably be in my head again by the end of the week – after all, it does keep me occupied. But I will be working on it. Whatever happens, happens.

Fifth Harmony sang in their song, ‘Brave Honest Beautiful’:

“Don’t go and waste your precious time with all that nonsense on your mind.”

And this reminder is why I feel like the Fifth Harmony concert is a perfect finale.

Until next time,

PEACE OUT.

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“I think life is just a big con.”

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“One day, Sabine just said to Hector, ‘I think life is just a big con.’

Startled, Hector asked, ‘What do you mean?’ (That was what he always said when he hadn’t been listening properly the first time.)

‘Well, you’re born, and straight away you have to rush about, go to school, and then work, have children, and then your parents die and then before you know it you get old and die too.'”

–    Hector Finds Time by François Lelord

It is important to me, for me to have time to do the things I love and enjoy even when I am ‘not supposed to’ have the time. These things include spending time with friends and family, getting my daily dose of reality TV and sitcoms, reading and sometimes even lying around doing nothing.

I understand that time is not one of the luxuries of life but it saddens me that we all have a whole bunch of things to do that we keep jumping from one thing to the next as the list keeps piling on and on. I guess, I have always been aware of how fast time is passing by but this book that I started reading recently, the past few months and the thought of the uncertain future have just given me a whole lot more to think about. That is why I decided that it is finally time to write a blog post to sort of help clear my mind.

It has been nine weeks since my internship at a production company started and after a slow start, the past few weeks have been passing by pretty quickly. I think week nine is the most comfortable I have felt at work – thanks to some friendly colleagues. But what I am trying to point out is that it took me nine weeks to adapt to this new environment and before I know it, there is going to be another change in environment and I am totally unprepared for the next change.

I have had my fair share of ups and downs the past nine weeks. There were times when I was extra anxious when tasked with something new or when I realised I had messed up. I was trying so hard not to make mistakes that I failed to realise that this is the time for me to make mistakes and learn from them. I would call that ‘revelation’ a turning point as I have been feeling less anxious ever since. (Keyword: less)

As uncomfortable as I feel at times, I give myself credit for going out of my comfort zone. I might complain and disagree with how certain things are done but I am learning from the experience. I mean, I do need to find something to write about in my logbook and surprisingly this requirement has been helping me filter out lessons that I have learnt each week.

“I am in the TV industry but I have no time to watch TV.”

The above quote was something a colleague said in a casual conversation. At first, I did not make much of it but soon enough, it got the wheels in my head turning. It made me wonder if this is really what I want to do. I know… I know… this is such a cliche thought at this point which is exactly why I am not too worried about ‘the future’. My plan is just to see how the rest of my internship goes, talk to people, get their opinion and do some research myself to help me figure things out. (If you’re reading this and you can relate, then let me just tell you that I am sure we will find our place and solve the puzzle eventually. No rush.)

Don’t get me wrong, I knew what I was signing up for when I picked ‘production’ for my internship – ‘long hours, no sleep and constant work’. I am aware that the way I work may not be ideal for me to be interning at a production company but I just believed and I still believe that there are more ways than one to get things done. However, being at the bottom of the hierarchy, I totally understand that I can’t have things my way. So, at the end of the day, if this is really what I want to do, I promise you that I will put in the work and slowly but surely climb up that damn ladder.

“My fear of heights won’t stop me from climbing the ladder of success.”

Until next time,

PEACE OUT.

Obligatory Post About 2014

“Remind me of the good and all the bad (I know, I know)
Remind me of everything that we had (I know, I know)
Right now it’s so clear
This year has been the best and the worst year
I hear it’s all uphill from here
This year has been the best and the worst year
I hear it’s all uphill from here”

– Cooper (This Year)

Happy New Year to everyone reading this. The lyrics above describe my sentiments pretty well. A few months ago, I was asking Shaf if “I hear it’s all uphill from here” meant that things are going to get better or if things are going to get tougher. And she told me that she believes it’s both. That makes sense, doesn’t it? I strongly urge you to listen to this song and reflect on 2014.

 

Anyway, before speculating about 2015, I should look back and say that 2014 has been a great year. There were the ups and downs like any other year. But what I think was different about this year is that I understood my thoughts, feelings and emotions a lot better and I also got a better grasp of what kind of person I am. Now, I’m not saying I have everything figured out. What I’m saying is that it’s the clearest things have been over the past couple of years and so I’m definitely glad for that.

Some highlights of 2014 are… the trip to Japan. I never thought I would be getting on a plane anytime soon. I attended two camps, back-to-back and I am not a huge fan of camps. Three cousins got married. Me and my brother have been crossing paths and talking more. Mum watching some of my reality shows with me. I still managed to keep in contact and hang out with the three friends that matter from secondary school. (And I hope to continue doing that for years to come.)  I finally got to dress up as “A” from Pretty Little Liars. Shaf and I continued making Youtube videos for all of us to look back at in a few years time. The DTVM Hacker. *breathes*

Meeting Chelsea’s children, Rainee and Eden. Seeing Shantel perform at SDZ Waves 19. We had a successful class chalet. Taking plenty of selfies with Jamie (in one day) and surviving the LEAP camp with her. Jesleen’s red hair and her unique actions and sayings. D&D-ing with the Kavengers and KX. Shopping with Dalene. Completing assignments ASAP with Alicia. Having more than just one other person that watches Survivor, The Amazing Race, Big Brother and Top Model around me. Attending the Asia TV Forum with Hus where I got to meet a Power Ranger. Blogging #LetterByLetter with the fellow bloggers in my class. And of course disturbing everyone around me. The train rides home after a long day. The many hugs. And lastly the many meals together.

Throughout the past 365 days, I am proud of myself for keeping my cool in stressful and frustrating situations (most of the time). With the memory of a few cliche motivational quotes and sayings, a couple of breakdowns and plenty of solo sob sessions, I managed to get through the year. And of course, I must also give credit to the great people I have around me – to vent to, seek advice from and for a laugh. So, I guess, I really want to keep that up in 2015.

I am also proud of myself for coming out of my shell. For those who think that I have always been that ‘outgoing’ well obviously you weren’t around a few years ago. My overthinking and worry wart tendencies, tend to hold me back sometimes. And I definitely want to break out of my shell more or at least continue doing what I am doing if you think that I am already out of my shell.

There are obviously some things I am not too proud of. They generally involve irrational feelings and emotions and a lack of focus on the right things. These are the things that I think I could work on for 2015.

I really want to spend more time with family instead of sitting in my room all the time. And one solution to that is basically finding TV shows that I don’t mind watching on the television so that I spend more time in the living room.

I also need to focus on the right stuff when it comes to school. In other words, no distractions. All I need is to continue having good people around me and the motivation to power through all the assignments.

I’m sure there are more things that I need to work on but that’s about all I can think of at this hour. Here’s to a whole new crazy, exciting and beautiful year ahead.

Until next time,

PEACE OUT.

A Much-Needed Break

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So, what have I been up to as of late? Well, there were plenty of assignments to clear and an equal amount of changes to deal with. I’m not going to lie about how I questioned some friendships as they were put to the test over the stressful past few weeks.

And then I made myself sad one night when I just couldn’t fall asleep and decided to look through my photo gallery. I noticed how we have all changed. You know, from hairstyles to the people we surround ourselves with. I was afraid that the bond we all once had was no more. But I was comforted with the realization that the pressure and stress that we were under could be one of the reasons why it seems that way. We will probably return to the way we have always been when we are all carefree and happy again, right?

So yes, I had to look at the bigger picture and filter out the negativity which also reminded me that what I have left is something beautiful and amazing. And this was pretty clear by how everyone was able to get together on the day of our final submission for the semester and celebrate not only the end of the semester but also one of the birthdays. I would go on to give you details of how we spent the day but I’ll just leave you with this video instead.

Next, the holidays! I have been looking forward to the holidays forever. Not because I dread school but because I really just want a break. A break that I can spend staying at home, watching movies and TV shows all-day, read and write more blog posts. Plus, I also feel that I do deserve this break because of all the hard work I have been putting in. We all have, haven’t we? So, I definitely am happy that I another six weeks of holidays. But just like how the first week was burnt in school, finishing up the final assignment for the semester, it turns out that the holidays might not be as stay-home as I expected. There are some activities that require me to go back to school and others with friends and family that I am looking forward to but which still mean that I have lesser time for myself. Thereby, I’m hoping that once all these activities are over, that I am left with at least a week or two to do whatever I want to.

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This is exactly how I wish I can spend my holidays.

Speaking of activities I am looking forward to, there is a class chalet that I am excited about. We have a bigger chalet as compared to the last one we booked, this time last year. I feel like this is going to be just what everyone needs to bond and officially celebrate the end of the first semester. I’m also hoping that everyone can surrender their phones at the door but let’s get real, that is not going to happen. So, I’ll just deal with it. I’ll also be able to spend some time with my closest friends from secondary school again. And of course to be able to have a sleepover with my cousins (Let’s hope that I can get them to put their phones down though). There is also a stand-up comedy event that I’m looking forward to and I hope it goes well.

I guess, I do have quite a lot to look forward to over the next six weeks. And just as I was typing this I remembered how I would also be getting my grades and the timetable for the next semester in a couple of weeks. Oh well, we all need a balance of the good and the bad, right? Until next time…

PEACE OUT.

“Building a friendship…

“Building a friendship, especially in a place like New York City takes work. Because it’s a place where you see a lot of people but you don’t really know them until you spend intimate times with them. And I think that’s what really happened with us.”

– Daisy Lewellyn (Blood, Sweat and Heels)

Here’s a quote to start the week. I know I haven’t been blogging much lately and it’s not cause nothing has been going on but rather too much has been going on that I don’t even have the time to write up a post. So, a quote will have to do.

I decided to post this quote because I think it’s relatable. Yes, I know we don’t all live in NYC but I’m referring to how we all see people around all the time but we don’t really know them until we actually spend time with them.

And… I’m also glad that the show I got this quote from, #BloodSweatHeels has been renewed from a second season. 

#LetterByLetter: L

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From Left to Right

Top Row: Me,Wyman, Jason, Deswanto, Rozana & Benjamin.

Bottom Row: Jamie, Lauren, Viena, LeJing, YuXue, Htet & Tiffany.

#LetterByLetter is something that me and my classmates who blog are doing during the holidays. We will go down the alphabet, one for each post and write what each letter means to us. It can be something symbolic or just a word that starts with that letter. The objective is to be active on our blogs and also to see who can finish all the letters first. This is the twelfth post in the series.

For this letter, I’ll be talking about my experience during the LEAP camp. It was definitely an interesting journey which helped us become better leaders. I came up with tons of reality TV references throughout the camp. Just ask Jamie. Here’s my summary of each day.

Day 1: CHECKING IN & CHALLENGES. I must say it wasn’t the best day. I was nervous as always. And carrying a sleeping bag, day pack and luggage bag only made me feel more tense. The only thing that comforted me was knowing that I had three people I already knew quite well in my camp team. And I was just planning on sticking with them throughout the duration of the camp. On the bus, it felt like we were on Top Model. You know, the finalists making their way to the Top Model house and settling into their rooms. Just that in this situation it was a campsite and we settled into our tents.

Now let me mention the activities. We had the general team-bonding activities. Started off with team name and ground rules. Our team name was, OMEGA. Then we had this, ‘arrange the cards on the floor while blindfolded’ activity which my team lost. After that was a three-way Tug of War. I’ve ALWAYS wanted to play one of these. But the odds were just not in my team’s favour. The other teams had big guys while mine had average-sized guys just like me. However, the purpose of the challenge was to show that we needed commitment and that it wasn’t about the strength or strategy. We came in second in that challenge, somehow. The third activity was some desert survival role-playing game which we lost in as well. Oh well, isn’t that a rough first day?

Day 2: RANKINGS & KAYAKING. One of the first few activities for the day was us ranking the top and bottom three leaders on our respective teams. Now, you can’t possibly tell me that’s such a reality TV thing that producers would do to create drama, right? It was really hard because none of us wanted to hurt each others’ feelings. But it was only for us to help each other by being honest. So, when we revealed our choices, there were some tears. Oh well, we were given a chance to bond after by cwriting notes for everyone in our team and sticking it onto each of our individual posters(which just had our name on it). We were only given some time for this, so we could only write about two to three notes. We were asked to write the rest during our free time.

The next interesting activity was kayaking. I was excited and nervous. I can’t swim and I didn’t trust the life jacket too much. You know that activity they do where they ask you to hold hands and form a circle. And then the circle will slowly move down into the water and raise both feet so that we float? Yeah… That one! I was prepared to be asked to do that. And we were. The last time this happened, I only dared to raise one foot. This time though, I managed to raise both and float and yes, it might be a small thing but I was really proud of myself . After that we got into our kayaks and practiced for the challenge.

The challenge was tough. You had the informers who would have to study a image and give information, the messengers who would receive and pass on the information and the architects who would receive the information from the messengers and draw the figure accordingly. And if you haven’t figured it out yet, the messengers were those in the kayaks and the other two would be on two different sides of the lake. Yup. I was lucky to be informer and not a messenger because I wouldn’t have been able to decipher what the informers were trying to tell me. Regardless, this was the FIRST challenge that my team won! YAY! It really helped boost our confidence. Anyway, it was just like a Survivor challenge too! I loved it.

Day 3: TREKKING & CAMPFIRE. I was excited for trekking as soon as I saw it on the camp schedule. Now, I’ve never been trekking but it seemed like a fun team-bonding activity. I pictured my team singing, laughing and talking as we made our way through the jungle or forest or whatever you call it. And I was half correct. We managed to stay enthusiastic by singing and cheering whenever possible but the trek was more tiring than I expected. From climbing over large tree logs to looking out for leeches and thorns, it was exhausting. We even got into the cold and muddy water which was thigh deep at times. Regardless, I’m not even complaining about it being tiring because it totally reminded me of Survivor. However, I will complain that it was really warm, that when we ended the trek, I poured my leftover water over my head. I tried getting my teammates to join me but they didn’t. Oh well.

For the campfire, each team had to come up with a performance because the entertainment was up to the campers and not the facilitators. So, representatives from each team planned the campfire activities together. As for my team, we rehearsed our performance which was a mash-up of a couple of songs that represented our journey throughout the camp. I was pretty excited! When it was time for the campfire I just let loose and had fun. Shouting out randomly, cheering and even jumping and skipping around closer to the end. After the campfire, it was free and easy but everyone decided to spend the time with their respective teams which was totally understandable. This led to one of the most emotional heart-to-heart sessions ever. Everyone opened up and so did I. I kept my tears in but I couldn’t hold them in closer to the end. So, I started to tear but I don’t think anyone noticed. It really made me respect everyone around me because we all had our own issues. And everyone was brave enough to open up.

Day 4: FINAL REFLECTION & HOME SWEET HOME. We had yet another emotional heart-to-heart session. And of course there were tears. This time, I tried to keep the morale up and was all positive with what I had to say. Don’t get me wrong, I was still very sincere and honest with what I said. After that it was lunch and we got our phones back. So, everyone started taking photos. Okay not everyone, but I and a few other team mates started taking selfies with everyone on the team. On the bus ride home, it was another karaoke session just without the screen and lyrics but rather just the lyrics based off our memory. And when we finally returned to school, we were all glad it’s over.

I’m so glad I didn’t pull out of the camp. I hate camps. So, I wasn’t expecting to enjoy myself. But I sure did. Mostly because of the team. Omega was always the first when it comes to eating, showering and sleeping. I knew I could trust them when it was time to open up and they were also ready to have compete during challenges. Other times, we would just talk and laugh and have fun. I’m so glad I met these people. I can’t see myself in any of the other two teams. Yes, our team might have been the smallest. And yes, we might have started off  on the wrong foot. But we managed to bring out the best versions of ourselves and each other closer to the end of the camp and I’ll forever be thankful for this experience. Thanks Omega!

I know it’s been a long post. So until next time,

PEACE OUT.

“I am in the middle of one of

“I am in the middle of one of the hardest days of my life, I’m on the verge of screwing up two relationships with two people that I really care about. And I kinda hate myself now but that’s… that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that I’m all alone because I don’t have anyone to talk to because I don’t trust you anymore.”

– Daphne Glover (Underemployed)

This quote from Underemployed has been sitting around in my drafts for a REALLY long time. I have been waiting for the time that I could completely relate to it but chances are, when I do feel that way, I wouldn’t be blogging my sob story. So, I decided to just finally post it today. I may not be able to relate to the front portion of it(yet) but the end is just perfect.

P.S: It was a really good show. Wish it got picked up for a second season.