In My Head

852110236_13448670704630895532.jpgThe past three months have gone by pretty quickly and I love how it is already April. I did spend quite a lot of the time being in my head trying to figure things out. As much as I try to keep my sensitive and insecure moments to a minimum, sometimes I just cannot help myself.

But before I get to writing about those deeper moments – which are mostly in camp – I will start with the highlights from the weekends – when I am out of camp.

In February, I attended Jamie’s play, An Absolute Turkey and in March, Shaf’s play, The Illusionist. Now, I have told the both of them this – if our lives were a reality show, the ‘competition’ between the both of them over whose play is better would have been a driving force for drama the entire season. HAHA.

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Post-Show Happiness Pt. 1

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Post-Show Happiness Pt. 2

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Post-Show Happiness Pt. 3

But no, in all seriousness, it was fun supporting the both of them. I feel like they both stepped out of their comfort zones – in different ways – and it made me proud, sitting there in the audience, watching them and being there with a flower or candy bouquet after the show. I hope to see them in action again soon.

The All In! Young Writers’ Festival was held in March too. I only attended one screening of a few short films including, I Love You More, a short film that I was involved in producing as part of a group project for a filmmaking module over a year ago.

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Forgot to mention that they were both late.

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But it’s okay, I forgive ya’ll.

It was nice that this project brought me, Dalene and Minyi back together a year later. (The other group members, Rachel, Sherlyn and Chels couldn’t make it.) I held off from re-watching the short film leading up to the screening because I thought that seeing it again after a long time during the screening would make it more ‘special.’ After the screening, we had lunch where we gave each other life updates and rehashed certain things that happened back during our three years in Poly. We also did some window shopping so it was some simple fun.

Later in March, I also attended a secondary school reunion with Azfar, Rosydi and Gina. It was hosted at one of our schoolmate’s house. Although I really appreciated the invite, I was hesitant and reluctant to attend from the get go. Secondary school just does not bring back the best of memories for me – I did not really fit in and back then it was quite a struggle. So it was a last minute decision to attend.

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I think it has been close to two years since the four of us were last together?

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I hope not another two years go by before we’re together again. *Glares at Gina*

Rosydi and Azfar could totally see how nervous I was on the bus to the reunion. And honestly, I would not have attended the reunion if they were not attending with me. I think it was just the uncertainty as to who was going to be there and how they were going to act that made me nervous. I knew Gina would be there too and since she has not been the easiest person to meet up with, seeing her there – though she showed up two hours late – was an added bonus.

The three of them were able to interact with these people that we had not seen in forever pretty easily but for me, it was awkward. Of course there was the typical army talk with the guys but none of the girls I used to be close to were there. (I believe that the invitations did not reach everyone… Oops.)

I also feel like I have evolved from who I used to be back in secondary school and so these people who did not really know me on a deeper level back then – to begin with – did not have much to say to me and likewise I did not have much to say to most of them either. After all, I was quite the wallflower for a bulk of those four years.

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At least I won’t have to worry about FOMO now.

I cannot really say that I regret attending but at the same time, I cannot say I am glad I attended either.

And last night, I attended Fifth Harmony’s 7/27 Tour concert after buying the tickets way back in January. I was lucky that Khairul – a friend that I made during the two month Signals course after BMT – was willing to go with me.

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Gotta thank the concert buddy for groovin’ along.

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April may have only just started but this concert is most definitely a highlight. I found myself letting loose as I sang and danced my heart out. It was totally worth the wait and money and the girls were gorgeous! I felt really happy when Normani noticed and reciprocated my wave. If life was a reality show, attending this concert would have made for a perfect season finale.

In between all these key events, I think I have been doing an okay job at balancing my weekends with meet-ups and ‘me’ time. I think there was only one weekend where I contemplated between going out and staying home but I decided to go out anyway.

Life in camp has been generally alright. I tend to forget how lucky I am to have ended up in this camp and unit, in terms of workload and location. But finding my place and people, is still an issue.

A new batch of about 20 Signallers came in a month ago – a larger amount than expected. I took a genuine interest in getting to know most of them because we would have to decide who to keep with us after a two week ‘orientation’ programme – the rest would be posted out to different ‘departments’ within our unit. And since I would be working with whoever stays until next May when I leave, it was an important decision too.

We kept about a third of them. It was exciting having new people around. They were people who were easy to talk to and did work. But when you look at the big picture, the newbies did not exactly shake up the office dynamics like I had hoped.

For a start, I still feel like I lack a true confidante and ally in camp. You know, that one person that I can complain and vent to without worrying about what I said being repeated. And also the kind of person that I can make eye contact with and smile when something happens in the office because we both know that we are thinking the same thing.

I miss having that kind of connection with someone.

So I end up bottling things up in camp. Occasionally, I do let things slip because I can only hold so much in. But then I question if I should have said anything at all because I get asked if I have ‘anger issues’ or am told that I am ‘oversensitive.’

Do not get me wrong. I am still able to be myself in camp. I disturb and annoy almost everyone around me. And this is an indication that I have reached a certain level of comfort around these people. But there are different layers to every relationship and with these people, it is most definitely on the surface.

It doesn’t help that they do not really get me. I am a lot of things but these people know me best to be ‘annoying.’ I can own that but it does get exhausting when that seems to be the only word people associate you with – even if lightheartedly.

For now, there are only about two to three individuals in camp who I ‘trust.’ It being really easy to rub me the wrong way could be one reason for this low number. But I guess, there just is not that much in common to forge strong bonds over. And with everyone on their phones most of the time, there is barely any attempt at conversation to find common topics either.

Sure, they bond over playing the same mobile games. And so it would be a lot easier if I just downloaded this game and played along. But I told myself back in secondary school that I was not going to change just to fit in and I still want to keep that promise to myself. Call me stubborn or difficult but I am not going to do something that I would not normally do just to get by.

There are also other things that have happened or been said that got the wheels in my head turning. But at the end of the day, I know I can’t let what people think, say or do affect my spirit. It is just hard to remember at times especially when there is no one in your environment to remind you of that.

So I am going to try to care less and not add up the nothings into something. I know it is not going to be easy and I will probably be in my head again by the end of the week – after all, it does keep me occupied. But I will be working on it. Whatever happens, happens.

Fifth Harmony sang in their song, ‘Brave Honest Beautiful’:

“Don’t go and waste your precious time with all that nonsense on your mind.”

And this reminder is why I feel like the Fifth Harmony concert is a perfect finale.

Until next time,

PEACE OUT.

Coping & Adapting

I was about to continue marathoning episodes of either How To Get Away With Murder or Keeping Up With The Kardashians (so technically, I would be Catching Up With The Kardashians) when I received a WordPress notification thanks to Nica who followed my blog with her new blog.

I realised it had been quite a while since I read up on what my peers have been up to. And it didn’t take too long for me to read up because only two of them had actually updated their blogs since I last checked. But yes, after reading Nica’s blog post about her resolutions for 2016, I felt motivated and inspired to craft a post myself.

I haven’t really given much thought to what I’m going to do different this year so I’ll just give an update on what’s been going on.

Life as an intern has been pretty stagnant with the exception of the sudden lows that occur when I mess up or make certain discoveries about how things work in this industry. I recently finished reading The Devil Wears Prada after a friend recommended the movie to me – knowing how I felt about being an intern – and an article on MTV.com recommended the book because, “One of the your first internships or jobs is bound to feel like it’s destroying you as it builds your resume. Read this and realize you’re not alone.”

Although I thought I wouldn’t be able to finish the book when I started reading the first few pages (there were way too many fashion terms), I am so glad that I gave the book a chance because it definitely helped me better cope with my internship. There were subtle similarities between how the protagonist, Andrea Sachs felt and how I feel sometimes when it comes to work. That slight relatability made me feel better.

Sidenote: And now that I’ve completed The Devil Wears Prada, I need to find another book to read. I was debating between MockingjayCrazy Rich Asians, Actors Anonymous or if I should continue following Andrea Sachs’ journey in Revenge Wears Prada. I definitely need a book to read as a productive use of time on the journey to work and back home from work.

To be honest, at this point, after how everything has played out, I just feel so over it. I don’t think anything amazing is going to happen over the next five weeks of my internship – not that anything amazing has happened over the past 19 weeks. Just the same ol’ same ol’.

Anyway, something else mention-worthy is the Christmas gathering with my Poly friends that felt pretty special. Of course, we missed a few people like Jesleen, Sherlyn and Eunice but it was nice sitting around sharing stories, talking and laughing. It was similar to how we would congregate at the CASS tables during our breaks in-between lessons – just that this time, we didn’t exactly have assignments to be thinking about nor were we distracted by our laptops and phones (for the most part). Sure, some of us had the fact that there was work the next day on our minds but I would like to think we all missed each other’s presence enough to be as present as possible during this gathering.

I hope to see some of them this coming Saturday when helping out at the SP Open House. I am already looking forward to it and I’m hoping this will keep me motivated to get through yet another week.

I have just another five weeks to go before this internship chapter ends. It’s going to be okay… Right?

Until next time,

PEACE OUT.

“I think life is just a big con.”

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“One day, Sabine just said to Hector, ‘I think life is just a big con.’

Startled, Hector asked, ‘What do you mean?’ (That was what he always said when he hadn’t been listening properly the first time.)

‘Well, you’re born, and straight away you have to rush about, go to school, and then work, have children, and then your parents die and then before you know it you get old and die too.'”

–    Hector Finds Time by François Lelord

It is important to me, for me to have time to do the things I love and enjoy even when I am ‘not supposed to’ have the time. These things include spending time with friends and family, getting my daily dose of reality TV and sitcoms, reading and sometimes even lying around doing nothing.

I understand that time is not one of the luxuries of life but it saddens me that we all have a whole bunch of things to do that we keep jumping from one thing to the next as the list keeps piling on and on. I guess, I have always been aware of how fast time is passing by but this book that I started reading recently, the past few months and the thought of the uncertain future have just given me a whole lot more to think about. That is why I decided that it is finally time to write a blog post to sort of help clear my mind.

It has been nine weeks since my internship at a production company started and after a slow start, the past few weeks have been passing by pretty quickly. I think week nine is the most comfortable I have felt at work – thanks to some friendly colleagues. But what I am trying to point out is that it took me nine weeks to adapt to this new environment and before I know it, there is going to be another change in environment and I am totally unprepared for the next change.

I have had my fair share of ups and downs the past nine weeks. There were times when I was extra anxious when tasked with something new or when I realised I had messed up. I was trying so hard not to make mistakes that I failed to realise that this is the time for me to make mistakes and learn from them. I would call that ‘revelation’ a turning point as I have been feeling less anxious ever since. (Keyword: less)

As uncomfortable as I feel at times, I give myself credit for going out of my comfort zone. I might complain and disagree with how certain things are done but I am learning from the experience. I mean, I do need to find something to write about in my logbook and surprisingly this requirement has been helping me filter out lessons that I have learnt each week.

“I am in the TV industry but I have no time to watch TV.”

The above quote was something a colleague said in a casual conversation. At first, I did not make much of it but soon enough, it got the wheels in my head turning. It made me wonder if this is really what I want to do. I know… I know… this is such a cliche thought at this point which is exactly why I am not too worried about ‘the future’. My plan is just to see how the rest of my internship goes, talk to people, get their opinion and do some research myself to help me figure things out. (If you’re reading this and you can relate, then let me just tell you that I am sure we will find our place and solve the puzzle eventually. No rush.)

Don’t get me wrong, I knew what I was signing up for when I picked ‘production’ for my internship – ‘long hours, no sleep and constant work’. I am aware that the way I work may not be ideal for me to be interning at a production company but I just believed and I still believe that there are more ways than one to get things done. However, being at the bottom of the hierarchy, I totally understand that I can’t have things my way. So, at the end of the day, if this is really what I want to do, I promise you that I will put in the work and slowly but surely climb up that damn ladder.

“My fear of heights won’t stop me from climbing the ladder of success.”

Until next time,

PEACE OUT.

There’s A Lot Going On

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It’s been slightly over a month since my last post. I have been meaning to write for quite some time now but I just never seemed to have the motivation nor energy to do so. I decided to take some time to write a post now before I procrastinate and it becomes June and I would have ended my ‘at least one post a month’ streak.

The past four weeks of school have been pretty draining. There is almost always something to do at any point of time. Things are also pretty unpredictable. One moment everything is fine and the next, things go wrong and vice versa. So, I am counting my blessings and reminding myself to take one step at a time. I would reflect on the past four weeks in further detail but not THAT much has happened to be honest. It’s mostly a lot to do with school. Looking at my photo gallery, there are like about four key events that I think I should highlight.

Firstly, FYP groupings. There was a whole lot of speculation as to who would end up where. It had been a conversation topic since last semester. I was pretty excited yet anxious at the same time – there was something about the unpredictability of the situation that made it very thrilling for me. But I am definitely glad that the paranoia of the selection process is over. Now, let’s just hope that the rest of the journey will be a smooth ride.

Secondly, it was the day of the DTVM Party and movie excursion. It was our last DTVM party and I remember Alicia reminding me of that when I didn’t want to join in the singing/lip syncing that was going on. I actually even hid at the back so no one could drag me in. I am not a fan of making a fool of myself against my will. Later, as part of a film excursion we watched The 100 Year-Old Man which I thought was a great movie. It was really funny but towards the end it felt a bit draggy that I was hoping it would just end already. Although it was a Friday and it would have been nice to hang around town, I just wanted to head home to get some rest because I knew I had work to do over the weekend.

Thank you to the person who took this picture and made me feel beautiful.

Thank you to the person who took this picture and made me feel beautiful.

I like how Ms Mary appeared out of nowhere.

I like how Ms Mary appeared out of nowhere.

Here's another group selfie with Nica and Jes in it too.

Here’s another group selfie with Nica and Jes in it too.

Why watch a movie at a cinema without popcorn, right?

Why watch a movie at a cinema without popcorn, right?

Thirdly, the seniors’ graduation. I had my mind set on heading home straight after class to work on the assignment that was due the next day in my own time but I was convinced by Chels and Shaf to stay on for the graduation. We didn’t actually get to enter the hall the graduation ceremony was taking place at. Instead we were watching a LIVE stream that was being shown at the auditorium. It felt like I was watching a documentary and I think I said it a couple of times but no one probably understood what I was saying. Even I can’t justify nor explain what I meant by that but I still stand by it. I guess it was pretty fun watching familiar faces walk on stage. Later, we waited around to take pictures with our seniors. At some points, we were just hanging around doing nothing. After I took almost all the pictures I wanted, I was ready to go. So when Shaf left, me and Chels decided to leave too. I don’t know what it was about taking pictures with the seniors or talking to them that made me feel no regrets for staying back longer. With that being said, I reached home later than expected and stayed up later than I wanted to, making final edits and finishing up the assignment that was due in 12 hours. (I took so many pictures that I am just posting the two selfies that I think look the best along with a picture that was taken with Kirt’s DSLR)

Lyn's been there since our first day of school. Woah.

Lyn’s been there since our first day of school and now she has graduated… Woah.

I only really got to know Ilene quite recently. She's hilarious.

I only really got to know Ilene quite recently. She’s hilarious.

I love this picture. We should all just carry a DSLR around.

I love this picture with Kirt. We should all just carry a DSLR around.

Lastly, one of the recent events that I should highlight is my FYP group’s unofficial group bonding day. We signed up for The Hidden Good‘s MP3 Experiment trailer filming. We just wanted to get a behind-the-scenes look at how they were going to film it. We had to visit 10 locations and do strange things in public as part of a flash mob. That day, I woke up 30 minutes late having underestimated the time it would take to get to Farrer Park MRT. I had to take a cab and that was a waste of money. The filming was also pretty tiring because of the heat and all I wanted to do was laze at home. However, my group helped keep me entertained. From Dalene taking pictures and laughing at stupid things to Chels’ weather report and Wesley’s riddles, I think we were occupied with things to do at different points. We also got really good photos of all of us from this day, thanks to Dalene. I would say spending a whole Sunday out wasn’t really my cup of tea but I had no regrets because I think we might have just benefitted from the day in more ways than one. Only time will tell.

I think I am getting at taking group selfies.

I think I am getting at taking group selfies.

Pretty proud of this picture I took. Felt pretty fascinated by the coke cans too.

Pretty proud of this picture I took. Felt pretty fascinated by the coke cans too.

From our second last stop of the day at East Coast Park.

A picture from our second last stop of the day at East Coast Park.

I can’t believe that the supposed three week break starts next Saturday. Time has really passed by really fast. I guess I am looking forward to the break but I am not exactly sure how I feel about the Ipoh trip that is coming up in the first week of that break. It should be fun and exciting but my worry wart tendencies are kicking in. I guess I’ll have to wait and see.

Until next time,

PEACE OUT.

Remember That Thought… ?

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It’s been two weeks since I lasted posted a Daily Life post. So, here we go.

It’s only the third week of the second school year but I already feel the stress taking a toll on me physically. It’s like I just can’t seem to get enough sleep. Even the shorter school days tire me out. And trust me, it’s not going to be too long before I start feeling the emotional stress too. Obviously, most of this stress is coming from school. If you were to represent the amount of free time I have each day on a graph, it would be a line that is constantly going down. That’s because all the assignments are piling up and I’ve also got other school-related commitments and responsibilities to take care of. Now, maybe I haven’t been making the most of my time. I’m not too sure. But I’m trying my best… By making to-do lists and mentally planning the day or week in my head.

Some examples of school-related commitments would be, debate club and astronomer’s because I wanted co-curricular activities to make my portfolio look better. I chose these two CCAs out of everything, only because I had friends in them to ease me in. I also felt a little peer pressure from them. I’m not too sure if I’ll be staying in both the CCAs. I think I will.

If you asked for a quick recap of the past two weeks, I had my first official interview during a in-class activity with a toddler, signed up for a couple of CCAs(as I mentioned above),  visited a grandparent that I haven’t been on the best terms with(it went well this time), attended a day-camp(and was thankful it rained so there were no high elements), have lunch with my family(after a really long time) and all the usual stuff like catch up on my favourite reality shows and sitcoms.

Now, everything beyond this point, is the inspiration for the title of this post. It’s pretty self-explanatory when you read it. It’s not a sob-story nor am I throwing myself a pity party. I just needed to reflect and get it out of my system. And what better way to than to thoughtfully construct a blog post.

Today, I got reminded of something that I used to believe strongly last year. It was just this theory that by the end of the three years at this school, I would only be left with two classmates that consider me a friend because the others would have had enough of me and left. Enough of my jokes, bosh and everything else. So, I strongly believed that and I also knew who those two people would be and I still do. I remember blogging about it too. However, this belief or thought had been absent for the past couple of months. Until today of course… It has officially resurfaced. And I blame myself, honestly. It was just a joke I played that turned into something serious and now here I am, overthinking. If the victim is reading this, I apologise once again. I guess I just feel guilty and so that’s why it’s bothering me.

So while I’m at it, why not also mention that I feel like the number of people I can go to when I have something good to share has been decreasing. I really don’t mean to diss anyone by saying so but that’s just what I think. Now, we all know that there are three kinds of people in your life. The people that you like to work with, the people that you love to hang out with and lastly the people that you can confide in. Some people are in more categories than one and some to their own joy, are in none at all. So, I guess by saying this, the category I’m referring to is the ‘confide’ category. Because sometimes when you’ve got some good news, you know that not everyone is going to be happy for you. But as far as I’m concerned, the people that I trust to be happy for me are the people that I can confide in. So, it’s a huge blow when that’s not the case or when there aren’t many people in that category to begin with.

Oh well, that’s actually all I have to say.

Until next time,

PEACE OUT.

#LetterByLetter: G

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#LetterByLetter is something that me and my classmates who blog are doing during the holidays. We will go down the alphabet, one for each post and write what each letter means to us. It can be something symbolic or just a word that starts with that letter. The objective is to be active on our blogs and also to see who can finish all the letters first. This is the seventh post in the series.

For the letter ‘G’, I want to write about GROWING UP.

Sure, I’m only 18 this year and what do I know about growing up, right? Well what I do know is that it’s hard to stay optimistic about growing older and looking forward to all the ‘benefits’ that come along with it, when people make growing up sound like such a terrible and horrific thing about 90% of the time. You hear everyone saying how they don’t wish to grow older and that they want to stay young. I totally get that but I wish they don’t forget about the good things that come with growing up.

The big things like getting a full-time job doing what you’ve always wanted to do and being able to support yourself financially are just two of the many things to look forward to. At least as far as I’m concerned. I look forward to waking up everyday and going to work happily because I’ll be doing what I’ve always wanted to do. I know, I know… It probably won’t happen but just let me dream. I also look forward to splurging my salaries on luxury items without feeling guilty. Once again, I know I’ll definitely have other expenses to worry about but until then, I can imagine. And what about all those countries I want to visit? All the potential friends strangers out there that I’ve yet to meet? I’m not sure about you but those are some of the things that I’ve always looked forward to since I was a kid.

Now, I’m not oblivious to the ‘bad’ things that come along with growing up. I know it’s going to be more stressful, a lot busier and you become distant because you won’t have much time for friends and family with work taking over. But all these things are inevitable and they’re going to happen sooner or later. Hey, it’s already happening with school. How bad can it get with work when we’re older?

And of course, there is the big question on whether growing up means you have to be more mature. My stand? YES. You definitely have to be more mature with the way you act around and relate with others but when it’s time to let loose and relax, why not GO WILD?

It is true that with maturity we will begin to realise that it is not going to be all rainbows and butterflies. But that doesn’t automatically mean that growing up isn’t a terrible thing, does it? After all, a life without a little challenge will be boring and perfect that you won’t have a story to tell. Why can’t we look it that way instead of dreading the whole ‘growing up’ phase of our lives? Just something to think about,

PEACE OUT.